Hey Part Two

I realize that my previous blog post entitled "hey" gives you a pretty bad sense of who I am (and by pretty bad sense I mean you probably think I obsessively watch animal youtube vids and am a bit of a bully to young people at swim practice. Which is partially true, I guess). But I swear there's more to me!! In order to prove this claim, I googled weird questions to ask people. Something to know about Google: it never disappoints. I found a list of one hundred and picked the first ten on the list. This will give you a great deal of insight into parts of my life that you don't care at all about! Yay!

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Open. Actually I have no idea. This is one of those things that bothers a lot of people, but not me. Monsters are under the bed anyways, guys. 

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? NO. I do not like the shampoo hotels typically have. It makes my hair feel like straw from a barn where all the animals are sad. That said, if it is a fancy hotel with fancy little Aveda shampoos, DUH I TAKE THOSE. That shit smells fresh.

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Okay so this has actually always baffled me: I go to sleep snug as a fricken bug with my blankets pulled to my chin and my body tucked in extra tight, but when I wake up, its like the Tibble twins from Arthur have wreaked havoc on my bed. My comforter is on the ground, my sheets are a tangled braid with my legs, my pillow is across the bedroom--I should probably film myself sleeping Paranormal Activity style. So to answer the question, I have good intentions, but no.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No, but I've stolen Aveda shampoo from a hotel. 

5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Only if they're neon colors and have cute little notes written on them by my boyfriend and are hidden around the house. Like I'll pull out the milk carton and a bright pink note will say "Good morning, sweetie! Have a great day :)". Okay, so I don't have a boyfriend who does this. I don't even have a boyfriend. But doesn't that sound so nice? In that scenario, I LOVE POST-IT NOTES. Otherwise I'm pretty indifferent. 

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? I suck at saving money, I suck at cutting coupons, I buy everything full price. I am the worst kind of broke college kid. 

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? OMG NEITHER. I guess if I had to pick, it'd be the bear. It's a better story if I survive, and if I don't, I feel like it would kill me off pretty quickly. That said, I stand by the fact that I doubt I would be outside in order for this to happen. Highly unlikely, y'all. Now, if the bear were to break into my house and maul me while I'm eating cheese puffs and watching Netflix... well shit. 

8:Do you have freckles? No, but I did have horrible acne for a solid four years of teenagehood. So there's that, I guess. 

9:Do you always smile for pictures? It's either a smile, a serious face with a sideways peace sign, or a smize. Tyra Banks would be so proud. 

10:What is your biggest pet peeve? Basic betches and airports. Kidding. Kind of. I honestly get annoyed with everything and everyone, so I don't even know where to start with my answer for this one. I'll tell you something I don't mind: Imagine Whirled Peace Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Shit's delicious.

Well. I still don't feel like y'all know me, but we will work on that. For now, I'm gonna go eat some ice cream and watch youtube videos. Typical, right?

Hey.

Somehow you have stumbled across this blog, and you're probably not sure how you feel about it. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I'm weird, guys. This weirdness ensures that the things I write about here will be strange. Possibly uncomfortable. Definitely uncomfortable.

I guess I should establish what I mean when I say "weird". Think about it. The word "weird' encompasses so much, whether that be the weird kid at school who takes the ranch dip that comes with his carrots and uses his pointer finger and middle finger to scoop it out and eat it (yes, I'm referring to you, James from Mrs. Hummer's class) or that one neighbor you have that dyes her lawn green and stuck a sign of a dog shitting with the word "NO" in huge red letters right under her mailbox. Yes. This woman exists, and she lives six houses away from me. I would totally let my dogs take a dump in her yard if I was absolutely positive she didn't have a mine field beneath her innocent looking pansies. It's a trap, I tell you. 

Anyways, I like to think I fall under a different "weird". A cute weird, if you will. Is that allowed? Can weird have a positive connotation? Also am I allowed to call myself cute without sounding narsacistic? How the fuck do you spell narcasistic?* Whatever. I'm an English major and I can't spell and I'm somewhat okay with it. And by somewhat okay with it, I mean I have spellcheck as a BFF and she never lets me down. Autocorrect, however, has tried to change the word "and" to "anus" like, a hundred times when I send texts. Am I on some iPhone Punk'd-esque reality show? When the fuck would I ever need to say "Can you come over anus hang out?" VERY FEW TIMES, Y'ALL. Anyways. Back to me being weird. Here is an example of one of the weirder things I do (which will probably lead to me being an estranged woman living in a lighthouse with forty-seven dogs and a life supply of cheese puffs):

Do y'all know that video with the baby monkey riding on a pig and there's a high-pitched song playing? If not, you're missing out and you'll definitely thank me for linking it here. I am oddly addicted to this video. I've probably watched it over fifty times. I LOVE IT. At first the pig is like ugh another day on the playground with a monkey on my back #dayinthelife but then the monkey is no longer on the pig and he chases the pig because the monkey is very cognizant that being chauffeured by a pig is a bajillion times better than having to walk but the pig also realizes that running around sans monkey is so free and liberating! Unfortunately for pig, monkey catches up and remounts. Which is good because the song goes on for a little bit and all is well. I personally like to believe monkey and pig find love in this hopeless place, and have a bi-special relationship and have little pig-monkey babies. What would a pig-monkey baby be called? A pinky? So that's weird, right? NO. That's just the beginning. 

Flashback to senior year of high school. I am at swim practice and discover that one of the freshman boys on my team knows the video. I freak out far more excitedly than anyone ever should over a video of two animals behaving cutely on the internet should, and force this freshman boy to sing the song. And get this, guys. He does. This leads to what I have to imagine is the worst year of this poor boy's life: I make him sing it all the time. In the hallway. In our lane during swim practice. Outside as he waits for his mom to come pick him up. Behind the blocks as he prepares to swim a race. The particularly strange thing is that he always sings it. I'm not sure if its because he is afraid of me or if he secretly has always wanted to be forced to sing a cult classic** by a very cool*** senior girl on the swim team. He had a real talent, though. I wish I had a video, but unfortunately, I didn't even have a camera-phone at that point in my life #retro. If you're reading this, Zach, I hope you turned out okay. And I hope you think that little pinkies are out there, riding on bigger animals and living the dream. 

You'd think this would be the point in the blog entry where I would transition and discuss a new weird habit or happening that occurred in my life, but when I say I'm obsessed with the baby monkey video, I put a great deal of emphasis on the word "obsessed". In fact, I have put my own spin on the song. The original lyrics are as follows: Baby monkey, baby monkey, riding on a pig, baby monkey. I watched the video so much that these words were constantly echoing in my head, and soon I began creating my own variations of the song.

Example One: Brother Graham and I are in the kitchen. Graham is making cheese toast. I sing: baby Grahamie, baby Grahamie, making some cheese toast, baby Grahamie. Graham waits for toast while ignoring me, takes cheese toast out of toaster, and leaves kitchen.

Example Two: Mom and I are on way to Target. I sing: baby Mommy, baby Mommy, taking me to Target baby Mommy. Mom gives me a smile that says what did I do wrong and I wish I had passed down better vocal genetics to her. 

Example Three: I am alone in house with just my dogs, Bowie and Henry. I sing: Baby Bowie, Baby Bowie, sitting with Henry, baby Bowie. They wag their tails at me because they get it--they are just like the monkey and pig and understand the beauty of the tune and the lyrics. They also want the treats I have for them. But that is truly beside the point.  

I actually admitted to a few of my friends at college that I create these reprises of the baby monkey song, and they are still friends with me. I think that's how you know you pick them well--if they stick with you even after you tell them that you are a creepy fuck who calls everyone a baby and describes their actions in a high-pitched sing-song voice. That's the dream, everyone.

If, after reading that weird story, you still are interested in my blog (and, I guess, me), then I am happy to have you as a reader. If you are just sticking around because this blog entry alone is like a psychological study on a strange species, I can't say I blame you (and if you figure out why I am the way I am, please let me know. I am curious). If you have exited the page, FINE. I didn't want to be your friend anyways. Baby ex-reader, baby ex-reader, you really fucking suck, baby ex-reader. 

On that note, I think I'll save the rest of my weirdness for a later post. It's cute, though, right? Right? Whatever. I think I'm cute and that's all that matters. Especially when I'm in my lighthouse alone. SELF LOVE IS THE BEST LOVE. And that's the moral of the story, folks. See ya next time. 

*Narcissistic. That's how. Thank you, dictionary.com

**And by cult classic I mean a somewhat unpopular thing that I love

***And by very cool I mean I wore a Diary of a Wimpy Kid t-shirt on a regular basis